Trudging towards the Middle

So we're almost there, that fabulous milestone that the rest of the world thinks makes everything ok, the six month mark. Better known to strangers as almost home. Nope not quite. It's at this point I realize that the past six months have crawled by and the next six will crawl as well. I feel guilty saying anything. I am supposed to be Suzy Sunshine 24/7. Yes, I love my kids, my house, my job, my life. Somehow I am supposed to be so female empowered that I can do it on my own and do it better because I'm the mom....no, not by a long shot. I probably felt that way a bit during the last deployment because he was gone so long. It was over three years before he lived at home again. I think I forgot there was any other way. I miss the everyday. I miss having someone to giggle with over the boys' strange conversations or clothes. A night off....I miss having a night off that I don't have to pay for. I miss having someone to hold my hand and tell me things are fine, that I'm not screwing it all up, and that I am beautiful. I don't like this life right now. I enjoy specific moments with my kids, or at my job, or in those rare moments of solitude I get(RARE!) but I do not enjoy this life. It seems wrong to say it because it seems to imply that I don't love my kids. What it is really meant to say is that I really love my husband. He is my best friend, the person who should be here to share all these moments with, but isn't. The lack of his presence leaves a hole in my life. Call me dependent if you will, but it is the woman I have become. I find marriage and family incomplete without my husband. There are feminists rolling around in their graves somewhere. People often wonder what would happen to me and the kids if something happened to my husband. Why would anyone ever ask a military wife this? " Oh my goodness, what would ever happen to you and the kids? Can you imagine?" Of course I've imagined. I have spent a great deal of time since he signed his contract trying not to imagine. However, every time I think about it I think it would be like now, only forever. And it scares me. So the middle is just the middle. It's never really over until he steps foot in my door. Time passes, mostly slowly in my world. I put on my game face, especially for the kids, and talk the big talk about how we are half way there and that this is almost over. Really I am just trudging towards the middle wishing it were the end.